Hello,

Those that are easily depressed may want to skip to the bottom of this post. On the other hand, I've been told misery loves company so read on.

Well, 'officially' I'm supposed to have stopped taking the Co-Codamol. And I have to say I was feeling relatively fine until the middle of the afternoon. I then started to get a slight headache, which steadily worsened throughout the evening. I felt empty, didn't know what to do, didn't want to do anything but at the same time was bored just lying there on the sofa. I finally had to take the Co-Codamol around 22:30 as it was all getting too much. It didn't help that my toes were complaining at me as well.

I had a good night, read some of the stories which I downloaded and that relieved the boredom. Woke up this morning, again fine, and this time it was nearly 5pm before the withdrawal effects made themselves known. But they were worse. I was actually sick a couple of times, although all that came out was phlem. I didn't want to eat, still don't feel hungry although I've probably eaten less than a four-year old would in the same time. My head was thumping and I finally had to take the painkillers at around 19:00.

I've also noticed psychological effects. I feel physically and mentally weak. Even typing this, leaning against pillows in bed, the laptop on my lap and otherwise as comfortable as could be is tiring me right to my bones. And my thoughts are completely depressed. I'm imagining scenarios in my head, and all of them end with me somehow getting rid of the pain, usually including myself in the process. This is a little scary. There have been only a few times before, times I can count on the fingers of one hand, where I've even contemplated something like this. But it's never been this serious or well planned. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, and I'm going to ask him to either increase the Amitriptyline (which obviously has worked to some extent) or give me something else. I especially need something for the nausea and tiredness. I don't even know how I'm going to get to the appointment tomorrow, the mere thought of walking being too much to bear. And on top of that one of our local taxi companies has stopped operating - the one with which I'm most familiar and which my mum used to use on a regular basis to get to work. That's another worry.

I know I should probably talk to someone, but do I really want to? Do I really want to call someone up sounding this pathetic and helpless, and all because I'm only just barely two days into reduced painkillers? I think about the less well-off people in the world, the people dying in agony with no medication at all, without anywhere decent to live, without food and water. And I cried. Honestly, I cried and I keep having crying fits and have been having them all evening. I keep thinking that I should be stronger than this. They talk about will power, how people have overcome staggering odds with the force of their will alone. And I just wish I had even a fraction of that power. I can't even stand a headache for a full 24 hours when there are surely people who have to spend their days and nights in discomfort without the luxury of going to sleep or seeing a doctor, because of their job, or whatever.

I mentioned a few days ago that I idn't want to become a wreck when I started this regime, and whereas I might be physically reasonably sound, I know I'm emotionally and mentally shot to pieces. And what's worse is that it's over something so trifling. I can't bear to let my mum see me in this state, I can't bear to see her worried any more than she already is. As if my bloodshot eyes aren't indication enough.

There's really not much more to say, and I'm finding it impossible to end this on anything other than a blank note.

Oh, by the way the DC++ miraculously fixed itself and started working at a reasonable speed. I guess that's a good thing, as it gave me something to read during the long hours of torture.

So I decided to knuckle down this morning and get this AdSense business sorted out. And to a point I've managed to do it quite well. I've got the ads looking the way I want them to in terms of size, I changed the style to plain links instead of the normal links and text that you get (add a bit of mystery to them) and I've got the spacing (sort of) right. At least there isn't loads of white space below them as there was before which just made things look ugly.

However I'm still having a couple of issues.
1. I can't seem to get the ads table (a 1 row, 3 cell table with the code for the ads in each cell) to show more than once on a page - it just won't work. I want the ads at the top and bottom of each page, but even if I copy what was put exactly at the top they won't show.
2. I'm still not happy about the amount of code replication that there is. For example, even though I'm using standard shtml includes (the include being a standard page with the table + ads in it, rather than the original plain JavaScript code), I still have to make 3 changes for each individual setting I want to alter. It would be good if I could have the adsense code in just one file, and then have a function that would loop through each cell in the table, up to how many cells were pre-defined, and insert the code into each cell. Then I need only change the master file if I wanted to say, try a different ad size or colour scheme. All the current include does is prevent me having to copy and paste the code in each page, but there's still that replication within the table itself which I have to do manually.
3. This is all very well for the main website, but I also want to have this auto-generation of code in the forums. Now maybe it's just me having a mental block, but nowhere in the template editor within vBulletin does it say what type of files the individual template snippets are, making it quite hard to choose the right include code to use. I'm pretty sure they're just plain PHP files with the type declarations stripped out to save room within the editor, but I'd rather be sure before I go in and start changing things rather than afterwards once it's done and still not working. Oh and the problem of the table not appearing at the bottom of the page (its second instance) is still there in the forums.

Isn't web development just peachy?

I made a request for a repeat prescription of the Co-Codamol today and was told they only had 76 out of the 200 I usually get per batch in stock, and that I should call in next week which suits me fine as I'll be back by then. But it also got me thinking. These are pretty strong tablets we're talking about here, 500mg of paracetamol and 30mg of Codeine in each. Not exactly light. And to think 200 of them just barely last me two weeks - that's over 14 per day. Things have got to the point now where I'm struggling not to take them every two hours. I'm not trying to parrot the iterative nature of software development in real life, but anyone who reads this blog or knows me will tell you that I've said a number of times in the past, that I want to get myself off of taking these pills to lead a life that is somewhat less dependent on them. And each time that desire has fallen by the wayside. I'm not sure if it's a lack of will, a lack of support and encouragement or some underlying reason, but seeing myself now and the waste paper bin full of tablet wrappers every Monday just before the rubbish guys come to collect it shocks me. Particularly when I compare the amount of tablets I take to my actual state of health which is totally disproportionate to it. And I was thinking to myself that it's now 08 June (incidentally it would have been dad's 65th birthday if he'd been alive) which means I have just under 10 weeks before I go off on holiday to Tanzania for a month. I'm using that milestone because once in Tanzania I won't have access to the co-Codamol or anything like it; they just don't get it there. Even here in Scandinavia and elsewhere in Western Europe, you can get the medication if it's an emergency. With this in mind I'd like to be back at the levels I was at two years ago by the time I leave. I don't know if that's overambitious or not, but it's something which I'm going to use to drive me forwards.

OK, I'm hungry now as I only had a biscuit for breakfast so I'm off to have some sausage rolls that were looking rather appetising when I last walked past them half an hour ago. Until later...